Magic potion.

I’m walking down Main Street then I spot a going out of business sign I hang a right into the store. It takes a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the dim lights. I see an extremely cluttered room full of tapestries, incenses and books. Behind the counter is a wall full of small bottles I can only guess that they are magic potions, I smile and start singing love potion number 9 in my head. I look up and make eye contact with the store owner.

“What is in all bottles?” I ask

“Anything you want them to be.” he replies

I think to myself that he is full it. “Well how about a truth serum?” I say sarcastically

He reaches his hand back without even looking and picks up a bright green bottle. It has no label and no price tag.

“How much is it?” I inquire.

He knows I don’t believe it would work.

“Just go ahead and take it, come back and play for it after you found the answer you are looking for.”  His voice sounded kind of magical.

I walk out into the sunlight, now I can understand why he is going out of business. The whole way home I was thinking who should I give it to, what answers do I want to find. At the same time I don’t want to hurt someone or change them. I couldn’t give it to anyone because I don’t really want to know what they think or is it safe. I could give it to myself, yes that is perfect I am my own mystery.

I take a deep breath and drink the potion down in one gulp. I feel my body tingle and come to life. It only takes a few moments and I know it’s time to start talking to myself.

“Why do you second guess yourself all the time?” I ask out load. The answers come to me like a message board at Fenway.

‘I want to please everyone and myself at the sometime. I worry about saying the wrong thing and people finally understanding that in not perfect.’

“Some would say that you are a great friend others would not. Do you think you are a good friend?”

As soon as this question was asked I had a feeling of dread. I think of all the friends lost over the years.

‘I know I am nowhere near an ideal friend, I’m judgmental and overbearing. I can be selfish and jealous. But I do love unconditionally and give supportive advice. To put it simply I would love to have a friend like me. That does sound a little conceited.’

I can start feeling the potion losing it effect I have time for one last question.

“What do you fear?”

   ‘I fear death, but not my own. I don’t want to see my Grandmother or parents die. Thinking of the death of my brothers, sister, cousin or friends makes me sick on the inside. Losing my husband would be horrible, but what scares me the most of all is having to deal with my son dying. I want to weep just thinking about it, I know it’s selfish to not want to live after his death. I have lived through my share of death; the pain is still very strong even 18 years later.’

I lay my head in my hands and cry for my lost family, my childhood friend and the little boy at my son’s school that died this weekend. I feel weak and unsure of myself. I do know now it was better for me to take this potion, I couldn’t have lived with myself if I ever gave it to a friend, because the truth hurts.